It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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