I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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