Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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