well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
