Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think I am morally bankrupt
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's no shave November. This is our time.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
