you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Couch. On fire.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
