So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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