I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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