What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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