FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
