He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
