I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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