Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
