dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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