just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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