it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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