well I can't set my house on fire every night
i was born a porn star she said
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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