Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
