Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize