hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The chlamydia really affected his face.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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