i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
