nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
