can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I supernannyed him into submission
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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