this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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