a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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