So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
