I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
