I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My bed smells like the plague
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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