Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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