Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
