I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
