if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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