So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
