im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
