I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
