Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
