Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
