There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
