a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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