I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
