wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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