all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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