woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
