So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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