someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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