I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
