Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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