Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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