She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
