Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
