Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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