All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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