At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
