Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You can't motorboat a personality
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
