ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
