do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
