plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
