dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
