I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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