hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize