I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
