You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
