Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
