toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
