If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
