I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
