first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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