ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
