You really coming over, don't trick.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
