god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize