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Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
