WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
