I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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