I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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