bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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